*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.