Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*