[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’d love this…lol
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
What even happened today?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.