*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
You Might Also Like
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.