*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
consequences, the bane of my existence
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic