*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

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ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*


Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.


Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.


Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.


When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.


me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito


Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.