I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
We all have our pet causes.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.