@malt_skull

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

@DickKingSmith

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

@Elifcello

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

@SkippyMcGizzard

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

@TweetPotato314

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

@dragnut

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.