*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Close call…