*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Mornin
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.