*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.