*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You Might Also Like
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.