*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck


[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed


My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me


Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.


Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!


If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.


Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.


BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.


*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.


I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.