*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope