*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.


Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*


Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.


Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.


Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…


Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws


if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.


One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?


When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.