*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.