@fro_vo

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

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@sexbreakfast365

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

@TheHatdog

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@Mom_Overboard

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

@Skoog

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

@EdgarPoop1

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

@OMGSoOverIt

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.