*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
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In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz