Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.
I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.