[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
same vibe as tangled headphones
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.