*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.