*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*