*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.