i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
“I hate you”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.