@jonnysun

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

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@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

@UncleDuke1969

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

@tarashoe

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@HousewifeOfHell

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

@difficultpatty

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

@huntigula

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

@E_lok44

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!