*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.