Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.