*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Sing it!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Every haunted house movie: