*puts words between two asterisks*
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
this is the greatest thing ever
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches