Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
what
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch