*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.