*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?