[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.