[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
You Might Also Like
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket