Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
(Jupiter –
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Meeeee too!
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what