*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.