Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living