Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?