[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Batman v Dracula
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL