Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.