My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free