If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.