[Putting petrol in car]
[gently now]


[very gently]


[ok, once more]
[deep breath]



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If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.


Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!


Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box


Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.


At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.


me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are


First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.


Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?