Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
How about daylight saves us for once
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb