putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You Might Also Like
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Peter Parker Peter Driver
New Tinder profile.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
This is a sub tweet
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*