putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The Compass
