Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
#Caturday
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My dog learned how to text