I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Goal as a white guy
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”