@CCRuns

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

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@Marlebean

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

@jus4golf

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

@WilliamAder

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@DurtMcHurtt

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@ThisOneSayz

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

@whatthebasit

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”