Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
oh shit
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Is this anything
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.