Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???