Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’m tired tomorrow.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Covid like
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”