Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.