Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
You Might Also Like
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
tourist season
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it