Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
who did the taste test?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A great tip. #CakeRex
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all