Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls