Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it