Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
You sure about that?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.