Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.