Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
You Might Also Like
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Bootstraps
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.