Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?